Only On TV
by undertaker99999
Summary: Basically just a story based on Kakuzu's and Hidan's arguments...about many only on TV items. Rated M for Hidan's mouth
1. Sham Wow

**Hi every one! Thanks for reading! I must say though, it you were here(in the Naruto archive) two years ago, you may remember me. I was here "writing" a fic that wasn't up to expectations(it sucked), so I left, went to other things and now I'm back!!! with improved writing!  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, Naruto and all related characters and locations belong to Viz Media.**

**---**

Inside the hidden Akatsuki lair, Kisame, Hidan, Deidara and Tobi were sitting on a couch in a living area, Currently watching a Sham Wow commercial. "don't buy it!! it's a waste of money!!" Kakuzu yelled from the other room.

"Fuck you Kakuzu! I'll buy what I want!!!" Hidan yelled back, then to mess with him he yelled "Tobi! Get me a phone! Vince has convinced me! You'll say wow every time he says! We'll see!"

"No!!" Kakuzu busted out of his room, ready to strangle Tobi and any one else who got in his way.

"Calm down!" Kisame yelled, not really caring if it worked "He's only kidding"

"Money is no joke!" Kakuzu yelled "Money is a-"

"NO! no one steals my line! Art is a Bang!! UN!!" Deidara yelled back.

"What's with all the yelling?" Itachi asked, walking into the room, cloak less. Not naked, just no cloak.

"Some thing about money" Kisame sighed.

"Of coarse" Itachi sighed as well before sitting down to enjoy the action.

Hidan reached into his cloak to pull out a small black cell phone. Kakuzu's eyes widened. "…don't you dare" Hidan smiled as he opened the phone and started to punch in numbers "don't…" Kakuzu growled, ducking into a stance. Hidan pressed one more button before putting the phone to his ear "hello? I'd like to order ten Sham Wows." he let the words roll of his tongue, putting a mocking tone in his voice. "Oh, price isn't an issue." Kakuzu snapped

"YOU BASTARD!!" he yelled, pouncing Hidan. Tobi hid behind Deidara as the two immortals duke it out "S-senpai" Tobi stuttered out.

"What?" Deidara sighed.

"Is Kakuzu going to kill Hidan-san?" Tobi asked

"No, Baka, he's immortal, so is Kakuzu. Just sit back and watch. un."

"hai."

Everyone watched the rather un-epic bout. It was just Kakuzu grabbing for the phone while Hidan kept increasing the amount of the amazing towels. After awhile, it just became pathetic, Hidan had already hung up and now Kakuzu was just angrily slapping him. When Hidan broke the skin of Kakuzu, he turned to his skeleton like skin and drew a Jashin symbol in the ground. Before he could strike himself, a loud voice yelled "STOP!!!" it was Pein.

"Now what's this about?" he asked

"Kakuzu's being a fucking Killjoy!!! He won't let me buy the shit I want!!!!!" Hidan yelled

"Hidan's being a dumb ass! He's trying to order something off of TV! And you know Hidan never has his own money! He'll just dip into Akatsuki's funds!!!" Kakuzu yelled back.

"Let him" a feminine voice said, it was Konan strolling back into the base "I spent half of it just last week."

Kakuzu's jaw dropped, making hundreds of treads angrily flare "On what!!"

"uhh…" she sweat dropped "the homeless"

"Fuck the homeless!!" Kakuzu countered

"Kakuzu-san!!" Tobi yelled "it's almost Christmas! You should be giving to the homeless, not fucking them!"

Kisame snickered, Itachi managed a chuckle, while Hidan was practically busting a nut in laughter. "What?" Tobi asked, obviously confused.

"Oh god, un" Deidara sighed

"What?! Hidan always says that word!!" Tobi argued

"regardless, what Tobi is trying to say" Itachi started "Is that even though we're technically an evil organization, it doesn't mean we can't give back."

Everyone stared with wide eyes at Itachi's rare moment of compassion. He stared back before rolling his eyes and saying "Plus its usually frowned upon to fuck the homeless."

**---**

**Well? Should I continue it? It's up to you guys really.**


	2. Snuggie

**Alright, you guys wanted it, and you've got it. Another chapter of Sham Wow Christmas.**

**Black Cyrus: Thank you for the second review and for your kind words…still don't the "Litterallism" thing. Plus, he's a friend from my old archive work**

**Jacob-Black-4everandalways: Lolz indeed my friend, Lolz indeed.**

**KSFWolfe- I swear, these kinds of reviews always make my laugh. But I think you described this fic pretty Jashin damn well.**

**Luna345: she's also a friend from my old archive.**

**Oh and in 2010 there's gonna be an anime con, called Metrocon. I'm gonna be going as Hidan! Excuse me while I get into character. Fuck you Kakuzu!!!**

---

Hidan stared blankly at the image in front of him _"the fuck? A triangular tree?" _he thought. "The fuck is this?" he asked Konan, who was decorating the tree while standing next to a crying Kakuzu. Kakuzu was crying because Konan went a _little _over board with the decorations, costing Akatsuki about the equivalent to $120,000.

"it's a Christmas tree" Konan answered

"a what tree?" Hidan asked, tilting his head a bit.

"Christmas tree, Christmas is one of the biggest holidays in the Christian religion" She answered

"Oh like Khalan!" Hidan replied excitedly, with a huge, Naruto-like smile.

"Khalan?" Konan asked.

"it's the biggest event for Jashinists, it's a mass murder of the anti-Jashinists(basically pro-life) ." He said with a smile. He closed his eyes as he remembered "oh what fun it was last year! I caught a group of kids, the little fuckers tried to run but I caught 'em all!"

Konan gasped and teared up a bit while Kakuzu just laughed. Kisame and Itachi both walked in, Kisame was wearing a Christmas hat and coat while holding a fat man on his back. "Hey where's Pein? He told me and Itachi to catch Santa." Kisame asked, receiving weird looks from the group. "I swear he's gone insane."

---

Meanwhile…

"Ok Tobi, this won't hurt a bit, un" Deidara said, putting a small fire cracker on the head of the secret villain. After lighting the firecracker, he ran and went behind a rock thinking _"man I hope this works"_

When the firecracker went off, it wasn't little, it was about the size of Gene Simmons' libido.(now for you younger people or for those who don't like classic rock, Gene Simmons is the lead singer of KISS. And is quite the player, he sleeps with about 3,000 women a year.) Tobi went flying the air, flipping and spinning wildly. The fire works in the sky spelled out "Merry Christmas" Deidara smiled as he thought "_art is a bang"_

When Tobi landed, he whimpered "Deidara-Sempai, why did you have to out that on my head. Tobi's been a good boy!"

"well Tobi" Deidara started "You ate my fucking cookies!"

"What?"

"You ate them!!! Ate them all!!!"

"That was Hidan-san!! I swear it!!! He just lied and said it was me!!!"

Deidara quickly punched Tobi "How dare you insult Hidan!!! He's never insulted anyone!!! Ever!!!!"

"But he calls you gay daily!!!"

"That's beside the point!!!!!"

---

Meanwhile…

Hidan and Kakuzu were sitting in the very same living room as the incident with the Sham Wow. Boxes and Boxes of Sham Wows were strewn about randomly. "Hidan" Kakuzu said

"yeah?"

"I hate you."

"I know"

"What did you even plan to do with all of these Sham Wows?"

"Piss you off."

Then Hidan picked up the remote and turned on the TV. And his eyes widened when he saw Vince, from Sham Wow. But now with the Slap Chop. He quickly looked over to Kakuzu and smiled. "Kakuzu, we could chop things easier. Can't we?"

"No, I find knives to be fine."

Hidan pulled out his phone. "I beg to differ."

"Don't" Kakuzu warned.

he started to type numbers before saying "fuck the slap chop, I wanna Sunggie!!"

Hidan then ran out of the living room to grab a pair of keys. "you coming?" he asked Kakuzu

"Sure. Just don't expect me to buy anything"

Hidan and Kakuzu walked into the garage of the base, which after turning on a light reviled several cars. Kakuzu and Hidan walked to a black Lamborghini Diablo. "I hate you for buying this" Kakuzu stated.

"I know" Hidan replied, slipping on a pair on sunglasses.

He started the loud engine and opened the garage door which was revealed to lead to a tunnel. "you didn't turn off the light, you pay for the electric."

"Damn it Kakuzu, stop bitching all the time. Money this money that. Why don't you use that money to buy a hooker and get laid!!"

"…I do get laid" Kakuzu countered weakly

"really? Your dick hasn't shriveled up from misuse?" Hidan laughed.

"No, your mom gives me a great exercise." Kakuzu countered.

"haha, your starting to become less of a prude." Hidan said.

Eventually, the tunnel ended, leading to a mountainous highway. "Isn't it weird how an undisclosed Japanese location looks nothing like southern California." Hidan said.

As they drove on, they started to get into more of a city area. Eventually they stopped at a mall. The mall was crowded and full of people trying to get that last present for their bratty kid. As Hidan and Kakuzu walked into the mall, their jaws dropped. "Akatsukicon '09 was hung across the ceiling. Millions of people were their dressed up as Hidan, Kakuzu and all the rest of their organization. "Holy shit…" Hidan said.

"HIDAN!!!!" a group of girls wearing Hidan's headband, Jashin necklaces and Akatsuki cloaks. Hidan's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates as he teleported to the ceiling. He did several hand signs and transformed into the least favorite character of the Akatsuki. The guy who we don't know what his name is,(you know, he was tall and had brown hair, but I guess that Masashi decided not to use him) And then, he jumped down into the crowd and blended in.

He walked around for a few hours before seeing his target, Akatsuki print snuggies. He ran as fast as he could to the boxes. He quickly picked up ten boxes and teleported back to Kakuzu "C'mon lets get the fuck out of here!!!!"

"What the fuck? Your stealing them?!" Kakuzu exclaimed "good job!!"

They ran out to the parking lot to see their black Lamborghini covered in fan girls.

Hidan smiled, pulled out his scythe and said "Happy Khalan bitches"

---

The same fat man from earlier sat tied up in a chair. His Santa has been suit stained with blood and sweat. "I-I swear, I'm not really Santa!!" the man cried

"Sure, sure" Pein called from the back of the room. "You say that to defend yourself". He walked over to the man and pulled out a kunai. "You remember what I wanted last year, correct?"

"NO!! I'm not fucking Santa Clause!!!!" The man yelled as loud as he could

"LIAR!!!" Pein yelled as he slashed the man's cheek "I wanted a James Madison piercing and all you got me was a Marilyn Manson!!!"

"What the fuck's a James Madison?"

"a piercing through the head of the penis!!!!"

---

Hidan sat in the passenger seat of the car while Kakuzu drove. Hidan held a snuggie close to him before he realized something. "Wait, this is just a backwards Akatsuki cloak!!!!!"

"Duh!!" Kakuzu said

The rest of the trip consisted of Hidan cursing loudly in Kakuzu's ear, Kakuzu running over a group of orphan puppies, and Tobi popping out of the trunk. When they pulled into the garage. Pein and Konan were staring them down angrily. "What?" Hidan asked. Konan pulled out a newspaper titled "Ten women brutally murdered in a mall parking lot"

Hidan put his hand behind his head and smiled sheepishly "Its Khalan tradition."

---

**alright, thats it. go on, hit that green button below**


	3. Cribs

**Hey every one, it has been centuries since I've updated this huh?**

**Warning: Hidan will be deliciously out of character in this chapter.**

**Deidaraisdabomblitterally-well, here's the other new chapter.**

**Black Cyrus- ah, literalism, it makes since now**

**Luna345- I expect to see you at my next Khalan party then?**

**KSFwolfe- that reference wasn't easy you know.**

**ok. quick explanation of why it took so long to update, Sony PS3. 'nuff said.**

* * *

Hidan laid on the couch cuddled up in his new Akatsuki snuggie. Kakuzu sat in the recliner next to him, not wearing his cloak or mask while counting money. "Hey you ugly fuck! Put your mask on, I'm trying to watch 16 and pregnant with my lunch down!" Hidan yelled before putting his head on his hands and sobbing a bit "oh Nikkole, no one understands you but me..."

Kakuzu rolled his emerald eyes and continued counting. A few minutes of the same happened before Hidan yelled out "I'm bored! Get your shit on" he put his pointy cone hat thing on "We're going to MTV's headquarters, we're getting on cribs."

Hidan was in the garage of Akatsuki's lair. He leaned on his black Lamborghini with a tear in his eye, he caressed a picture of Nikkole. "Soon Nikkole, you will be mine. Kevin's not good enough for you." Kakuzu walked in and Hidan rushed the picture into his pocket.

"you love her don't you?" Kakuzu asked, with a hint of a glint in his eye.

"Yes, but she lives in Iowa, and me in an undisclosed location in Japan, it'll never work." Hidan replied, bursting into tears.

Kakuzu came over to Hidan and put him in a loving, calming embrace.

"was that good Konan?" Hidan asked to her, while she was recording the whole thing with a camera. "Perfect!" she replied. She pulled the dvd from the camera and put it into a yellow envelope. "after they see this they'll either give us a reality show or at least a cribs episode.

* * *

_In Hollywood somewhere..._

A no named executive in a suit watched the tape crying like Might Guy. "Secretary!"

"yes boss?" a near scantily clad woman asked, popping her head into the office.

"Call these guys, they need an episode of Cribs."

"Yes sir."

* * *

_Back at an undisclosed location in Japan..._

"yes." Hidan said into the phone "Yes. YES! okay, thank you, I'll go tell my friend! bye."

"Konan! Kakuzu!" They ran into the room at ninja speed(faster than Ludicrous speed, lol, space balls)

"We heard! We're gonna be on Cribs!" they both yelled.

"alright, good acting. Stay in character, they'll be here in a few minutes" Hidan announced while Nazi marching with his hands behind his back. "Now, we need to make this more entertaining for the viewers to ensure our own TV show, Kakuzu, stab me so I'll be black!"

* * *

_Outside the base, now cleverly disguised as a mansion._

"Hey yall! I'm Black!" yelled a white guy to the camera

"And I'm white!" yelled a black man, dressed as snoop dog.

"AND THIS IS CRIBS!"

The cribs theme plays and a full description of the base comes up.

(off camera) They hear screams of pleasure(Hidan's stabbing) from inside the base.

"See" Black whispered to White "I told you these guys were gay, People today love gay people. This'll be a ratings smash!"

"tallyho I do agree with you, old boy!" White says in his actual poppycock accent.

They ring the bell and the Naruto theme "Closer" plays. "YOYOYO!" Hidan exclaims into the camera "My names MC Killa but yallzors can call me Hidan!" He was wearing hundreds of gold chains and baggy clothes while loud rap music played. "And this is my Crib!"

"alright here's my boy Kakuzu" Hidan gestured to Kakuzu, who promptly said "yo"

"and here's my girl Konan" who also spoke up with "Yo"

"Let's tour the house!" Hidan yelled.

* * *

_Meanwhile..._

In the same room as he was months ago, Mall Santa Clause is still tied to the chair, barely surviving on the scraps of his candy cane necklace and his fake beard.

Pein walked into the dark room, the new light blinding Mr. Clause. He brought with him what appeared to be a sexy woman...dressed as an elf...

"Alright Santa, since you won't give me my present, I'll have to torture another of your workers." Pain put a kunai to her thigh.

"I can't do anything!" Santa yelled.

"Do something dammit!" the girl called out desperately.

Pein cut into her skin, exposing muscle and bone. "Please Santa!" He didn't notice it before but, she had pointed ears, real ones. Again, Pein cut deeper, now into the bone. She screamed sharply.

"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO HELP!"

Pein finally cut off her leg, the blood splattered all over Santa and himself. "OKAY I'll HELP!"

"Glad you finally see it my way." Pein smiled. He stabbed the girl in the throat and tossed her to the side, revealing quite the large pile of decomposing elves. "I'll be back within the hour to release you.

* * *

"This is my room! Where I bring all my bitches, and I bring all my hoes! And I kill em!" happy Khalan bitches!" Hidan yelled into the camera, showing his fancy new gold tooth. It's made with real gold paint!

Hidan gestured to his wall, which was covered in blood and medieval torture "I'm gesturing to a wall covered in blood and medieval torture devices"

He opened a coffin that had a fresh corpse in it. It was Snookie, from Jersey Shore. She was completely naked and it looked like she was raped. "Ah, Jashin was very proud that I got her. Believe it or not, she's a virgin, or was! HA!"

"Man this guys into some fucked up shit." Black whispered to White.

"And this is my-"

"Ok Killa, that's enough, we got enough to make the best episode of Cribs eva!"

"Yeah man that's bad ass." Hidan said smirking. "But how about a bad ass finish?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Konan! Get yo fine ass ova heya!" Hidan yelled.

"Yes Hidan?" Konan walked in, wearing an Akatsuki miniskirt and bikini top. Showing her belly button piercing. He grabbed her ass and the back of her head before kissing her deeply and tearing off her skirt to reveal an Akatsuki thong. After several minutes she broke from him and flashed her chest, showing that she painted red clouds over her nipples as well.

"Wait..." White started "...your not gay?"

"What? Hidan? Gay?" Hidan grabbed his scythe and started to slash and hack away at the camera crew, before looking into the camera screaming "I'M NOT GAY!"

* * *

_meanwhile, in Konoha..._

Shikamaru used the remote to turn off his TV and sighed. "Of coarse he's not gay, his playocity rubbed off on me.

"Temari! Get in here!" a fully naked Temari walked in, looking exhausted.

"Again Shika? We just had a go!" She played with his pony tail.

"Well lets go again"

* * *

_Meanwhile At MTV..._

"Sir, you owe us a quarter million dollars for the camera you destroyed." No name executive said into a phone.

"_FUCK YOU! YOU THOUGHT I WAS GAY! ALL THE MONEY I, er, KAKUZU SPENT FOR THIS WAS WASTED! but, I did get a piece of Konan's ass, so thanks!" _Hidan yelled

"sir, you still owe us money"

"_Well, I can only wish you...a happy Khalan"_

"**HAAAA!"** a random voice yelled out of nowhere.

"What?"

"_hang on, I have to be in person"_

"what?

Hidan appeared in a large puff of smoke. In a business suit and sunglasses in hand, Konan stood behind him, back in the mini skirt and Bikini.

"now, I wish you, a happy Khalan bitches!" He threw on his sunglasses and the view panned out to show the whole city of Hollywood while the random voice shouted **"HAAAAAAA!"**

"you've been watching CSI haven't you?" Konan asked

* * *

_With Santa..._

_"I'm finally free..."_

"No, you aren't, not until you pierce my dick." Pein said

"BUT YOU CUT OFF MY HANDS!" Santa exclaimed, swinging his stubs

"not my problem"

Santa had the piercing lodged in his teeth as he went to stick the leader's penis in his mouth. Tears streamed down his face before Ashton Kutcher bust in through the door "BRO YOU JUST GOT PUNKED!"

Ashton looked at the man for a few seconds then realized "Oh shit, wrong guy, sorry. Have my agent give you a t-shirt.

* * *

_back in the base..._

Hidan sat on the couch, covered in blood and in his Snuggie.

"Damn bastards thinking I'd fuck your ugly ass"

"Shut up Hidan"

"I mean, you look like an Elephants dick, or your mom's shriveled up pussy."

"I'm serious Hidan!"

"Or-"

Kakuzu pulled a sword out of no where and sliced off Hidan's head before punting it out of a window.

"Fuck you Kakuzu! I'm gonna make my own base! With Blackjack! And Hookers! you know what! Forget the base!"

*Sigh* "Why do I love him?" Konan and Kakuzu said at the same time

* * *

**DUN DUN DUN! DRAMA! **

**Well was it worth the wait? Tell me in your review!**


End file.
